Ripped By mstoll
Well, it's been about two and a half hours since we've seen Superman.
I think it's about time you guys came in for a landing.
Come on, Mom, you can join in with us.
Just because you're a girl, you know, we won't make fun of you.
- You can fly just like we can. - Yeah, Mind. Lots of women can fly.
I mean, look at this: There's Tinker Bell, there was Grace Slick.
There was, I mean, Amelia Earhart.
She still may be up there, but her luggage always arrived.
Even the Wright Brothers came down for milk and cookies, Mearth.
Oh!
So you liked your first movie, huh, Mearth?
Well, I really did enjoy the movies.
You know something, I've been thinking, Mom.
Now, as I understand it,
- Superman has two jobs, right? - That's correct.
- Okay. And Mommy has one job. - Correct.
And Daddy watches General Hospital.
Well, no comment.
Oh, no, Mearth, your daddy has a job. He watches you.
Not during General Hospital.
Gee, you know something?
I hope when I grow up I'll be just like Superman.
I thought you wanted to grow up to be just like me.
Why?
- Oh, Mearth... - Take it out real slow, son, real slow.
Mearth, your dad's wonderful.
No, come on, that's all right. I'll take it over.
Son, I have lots of wonderful qualities. I'm prompt, I'm...
Jump in any time, Mind.
Your father is loving and special and unique.
- Yeah, but he can't fly. - Just because I can't fly
doesn't mean I don't have a lot in common with Superman. I mean...
Well, I mean, he's an alien from the planet Krypton and...
Does the planet Ork mean anything to you?
Whoo. Well, you know, Mearth, I think it's way past your bedtime.
So why don't you take your milk and cookies
and go upstairs and put on your Dr. Denton's?
- Okay. - Okay?
Oh, boy, back up to that Fortress of Solitude.
Boy, I tell you, I'm gonna really plug in that electric blanket tonight
and, mm, watch kitty go "rawr!"
Mork, I thought you agreed that we wouldn't tell Mearth
you're an alien until he gets younger.
I know, but he's been talking up that guy in the tights again.
Oh, Mind, listen, I mean, even Superman can't do this. Watch.
Eee...
Mork. Tsk.
- Mind, I bet he can't do the carioca. - The what?
Got the carioca...
Mork, you don't have to prove anything.
You have your son's respect. Listen, all kids go through
a form of hero worship.
Believe me, it'll pass.
I guess you're right. But just to be on the safe side,
from now on, I'm only gonna take him to hear Slim Whitman sing Aida.
What you doing, Mind?
Oh, just brushing my hair and making some notes.
Doing that both at the same time?
Boy, you're one up on Gerald Ford.
What are the notes for?
Well, Governor Lamm is taking a skiing vacation up in Aspen,
and Dewey Fishbeck's going up to interview him,
so they asked me to write questions for him to ask the governor.
How come he's not writing his own?
Well, Dewey's the anchorman.
All he knows how to do is joke about the weatherman's sports coat.
Well, time for me to hit the old sack.
Okay. I'm just gonna leave the light on for a few more minutes, okay?
Oh, that's all right with me, Mind. I've slept through an eclipse. Heh, heh.
Yeah, you know... Ugh! Can't sleep. Insomnia!
Oh, oh. The restless... Oh, the tossing, the turning.
Oh, you know what's wrong, Mind?
I don't have my little guy's respect up there,
and R-E-S-P-E-C-T, that's what it means to me.
He's just infatuated with a movie.
Just like you were with the midget wrestlers.
Terry the Teeney Terror didn't have a spit curl and red boots.
Mork, will you forget the movie? You have your son's respect.
No, I don't, Mind, and why should I?
I mean, you bring home the bacon. All I do is collect the grease.
You have the biggest responsibility of all,
raising a child.
Gloria Steinem didn't buy that one, Mind, and neither do I.
I mean, I want my son to look up to me.
Even though he does have the height advantage.
Mind, I've gotta go out and get myself a job, a legitimate job.
Mork, you already have a job,
and that's being an observer for Ork.
My gosh, that's like being an ambassador to the entire planet.
Yeah, but I can't tell anybody, especially my own son, Mearth.
I mean, Mind, I want to have a job I can talk about.
I mean, come home and complain about the boss,
hang around the water cooler, chat with friends,
flirt with my secretary, get drunk at the Christmas party
and make a fool out of myself. I mean, something a son can really respect.
Mork, listen, if your mind's made up, it's fine with me.
I just want you to realize it's not that easy to get a good job.
Mind, I am a superior being.
I mean, I can get any job I want,
and if by some fluke of fate I can't,
well, I can always write a diet book.
- Hi. - Oh, hi.
Little boodle bugger.
What a day it is outside, huh?
I mean, I'm talking about blue, blue, blue sky,
Paul Newman blue, you know, like "bing."
It stretches all the way to the Flatirons.
If John Denver isn't writing a song now,
he's missing a million-seller.
Yeah, mm-hm. Good day job-hunting?
Oh, heh. I mean, the possibilities are infinite.
- Oh. - I've narrowed it down to two things:
Either giving blood every day for the rest of my life
or the job at Remtec of nocturnal surveillance official.
Nocturnal sur...
Could that be anything like night watchman?
Oh, well, that's a generic term, yes, Mind.
Oh. I know the profit sharing, the pension plan,
the perks aren't what they should be,
but I do get along very well with the Doberman.
Well, at least you have options.
Yes, oh, Mind, Mind, it's so good to know
that I can expand my knowledge into so many fields
and have the ultimate security and confidence to carry on like that.
And what is one suitcase packed and ready to go?
Well, I have to go away for the weekend to Aspen.
Oh, that's fine, Mind. I'm about to lose my son's respect for life,
and you're off barrel jumping with Peggy and Rhonda Fleming.
Mork, it's a business trip.
Oh. Oh, you're deserting me for business, Mind.
That makes me feel a heck of a lot better. I thought it was personal.
Mork, come on. I love you, and I'm not deserting you,
and here comes Mearth. We'll talk about it later.
- Hi, Mearth. - Hello, son, hello.
Wait a minute, pilgrims.
Just stay away from that water hole. It's contaminated.
And don't fill your canteens until I tell you.
Mork, I think his voice is changing.
Oh. Mearth, do you have a frog in your throat?
No. I have John Wayne in my throat
and I have a frog in my pocket.
Daddy, I wanna ask you something. I was upstairs watching TV
- and I saw a Western. - Hmm.
I wanna ask you, have you ever?
Have you ever strung up 12 outlaws single-handedly?
Well, I once stopped a lady in the express line
who had too many items.
Boy, I bet everybody at the supermarket
sure thanked your daddy.
Uh, I was wondering, is somebody going bye-bye?
- Yeah, I am. - Oh.
See, Dewey Fishbeck had an allergic reaction to his toupee,
and his head is covered in hives,
and so I have to go to Aspen to interview the governor.
Interview the governor? Oh, my gosh, that is important.
Daddy's doing something important.
Daddy's making macaroni tonight with cheese.
- Mm! - Mm.
Not nearly as important as what you're doing.
Well, it's American cheese.
Oh, American cheese, Mearth.
Boy, I wish I could stay here with you and your daddy and have macaroni.
Mom, go on and see the governor.
Incidentally, do you think you could get his autograph?
And if you can't, I'd just as soon have yours.
Mearth, could you help Mommy by taking her skis down to the car?
It'll be an honor.
Now, Mork, I don't want you to overreact.
He's just a child, and he's easily impressed.
Tomorrow his hero will be Reggie Jackson.
Oh, good, another person I can't compete with.
Oh, I really feel like I should stay.
Don't be silly. Don't worry.
I mean, you know, I'm the eternal optimist.
I can be down right now. Life's just a seesaw.
I can be down one moment and then, whoop, back up again.
Hello?
Speaking.
Remtec Corporation? Shh, shh, shh.
I scored very high on the IQ test?
I had to play dumb. Ha, ha.
The personnel director liked me?
Nothing can stop me now, Mind, I got it.
Nee-nee-nee
Yes.
Mm-hm.
Yes.
Thank you.
You did it, Mork, you did it.
What makes you say that, Mind?
Well, you just said that the personnel director liked you
and you scored highly on the IQ test.
Well, when they put my personality profile through the computer,
they found out if they left me alone with a Doberman
that he'd bite my head off and bark down my neck.
Well, by the time you come back from your trip,
our son will have finally disowned me,
so you take care and have a nice time.
Mork, would you give me a hand?
Oh, hi, hi, little pooter,
- I missed you. - I missed you too... Oh!
Don't touch me there. I've got a bruise.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, don't touch me there either.
- Another bruise? - No, the same one.
It goes all the way around. Heh.
You know, everybody always told me I was a good skier,
but Governor Lamm makes Jean-Claude Killy
look like a snow bunny.
Oh. It sounds like you were skiing over your head.
I was skiing on my head.
The governor suggested that we start out
on something called Tammy's Run.
I figured, how difficult can anything be named Tammy?
Well, that's before I found out it was named after the late Tammy Ericson.
You ski right past her headstone. You can't miss it.
And I didn't.
- Come here, little pooter. - Thanks.
Well, compared to us, you had a swell time.
What do you mean? Is Mearth all right?
Well, yes. He didn't stir-fry his toys or anything, but...
I think I should start at the beginning
so you can understand how innocently this disaster started.
Disaster? Oh, Mork, don't tell me about a disaster.
Okay, Armageddon.
While you were off gallivanting with the governor,
I felt about as useless as a lawnmower on AstroTurf.
It was a very crisp, clear day,
and it began very innocently with a breakfast of fresh fruit and hog jowls.
Mork, will you get to the point?
Come on, I was just trying to set the mood.
I mean, no wonder the novel is dead as an art form.
Well, it all started off with a simple lesson in geography.
And then the wheels of catastrophe started to turn.
Now show me a country where it's legal to marry your livestock.
- Let's see, right here. - Yes, that's right, India.
If we can't eat them,
at least we'll make them part of the family.
- All right. - I don't wanna play geography anymore.
I really don't. I wanna play hide-and-seek.
Well, no, we have to do our lessons.
Okay, then if we have to do our lessons, where's Metropolis?
Where does Superman live?
Huh. All right, as the world turns, let's play hide-and-seek.
Okay, tell you what, we can combine the two.
We'll combine geography and hide-and-seek.
I'll be Russia and you play a small third-world country
and I'll have to find and dominate you through military and economic aid.
Here we go, ready? Okay, here we go.
You promise to keep your eyes closed, Daddy.
- All right. - Please.
Okay.
Dad.
Daddy, what's this?
Well, that's my space... Oh.
Well, what do you think it is, son?
Well, it's the most attractive costume I've ever seen.
Look at this, how beautiful, and this, whatever it is,
this diamond pointing down towards the man's shoes.
Gosh, and look at this on the back.
The same diamond pointing down to his shoes in the back.
It's incredible.
Are you trying to tell me that this doesn't belong to a superhero?
Let's not jump to any conclusions, son.
Maybe someone sang with the Commodores, you don't know.
Please, come on, Dad, you can level with me.
I mean, you know, I'm not Lois Lane or anything like that.
I'm your son, Mearth. Come on, tell me the truth.
All right, son, well, I'll level with you.
The truth is this is mine,
but I'm not now or never have been a superhero.
Oh, gee. Not another major depression.
I can't handle... I've had four today.
Well, son, son, wait a minute.
It doesn't mean that I can't be a superhero.
I mean, it's a perfect job for me.
I mean, I could be my own boss. The hours are perfect.
How's this sound to you, son? How about this?
Mork McConnell, crime-fighter. Does that make you proud?
Why, it sure does.
Son, that's what I've been waiting to hear.
- Then you've got it. - Wait a minute.
Could I go out there and battle evil with you?
All right, but if you see any criminals from the Phantom Zone
or any large farmers from the central time zone,
you just find someplace safe
and watch your daddy swing into action.
Dad, I'm so proud to be able to serve with you.
Oh, son. Son, don't you worry about a thing.
- Whew. Ooh. - Ha, ha.
I'm gonna go back there and change into my superhero costume.
- Dad. Dad. - Don't worry about a thing.
It's a little cold outside, son.
You think it would tarnish my image if I wore Mommy's muff?
I wouldn't wear the muff.
I really wouldn't wear the muff, Dad.
You're still my hero, but don't wear the muff, okay?
See that, son? Never too old for nap time.
Come on in here, get a quick cold drink, and get on our way.
I don't know, Dad.
We've been walking around for two days.
Gee, we haven't seen one decent crime.
You know, Superman flies. It's a bummer having to ride the bus.
Superman can't make exact change like we can.
Who in the hell are you?
Well, just two ordinary people trying to take a fashion risk.
We'd like two milks, please.
Uh, incidentally, could I have a glass with Fred Flintstone on it?
I think we had some milk around here once.
I'll check and see if it's still liquid.
This is the kind of place we might find a man
who will violate law and the American way.
Oh, Dad, God bless you. You sound just like Steve Garvey.
All right, now, what's with you? Who are you, anyway?
I'm Mork McConnell,
crime-fighter and part-time superhero.
Oh, really? Ha, ha. And who are you, Wonder Woman?
I happen to be Mearth, his important sidekick.
Just give me a straight answer, just a straight simple answer,
before somebody here hands you your kneecaps on a platter.
Come on, Dave. It ain't worth it.
Listen, you guys don't belong here. You could get hurt.
Take a hike.
There's a bar down the street that caters to superheroes, okay?
I can't go there. You see, I'm not union.
Oh, son, come on, now, I think there's a lot of tension in here.
Let's check out the jukebox
and see if they have the love theme from Alien.
Hey, Dave, how are you doing?
- Charlie, how are you? - All right, how about a beer?
I don't think I'd be hanging here.
There been some people asking questions about you.
Hey, don't worry about me.
Nobody finds me unless I want them to find me.
- Wrong again, Charlie. - Heh-heh-heh.
Heh-heh-heh. We figured you'd show up sooner or later.
Daddy, he's got a gun.
- Do something. - You're right, son.
Well, do something!
Hold it right there! How about you dropping that gun
before I hand you my kneecaps on a platter?
Hey, thank you, partner.
Oh, no sweat. Will someone now call a policeman?
I'm a policeman.
Oh, this is gonna be a black mark on your record, Dad,
if you go through with this.
Looks like I'm gonna have to split town again,
but I'm a little short on cash, so...
Ah. Dave, will you empty the till?
And everybody else, you empty your pockets.
- I don't have any pockets. - Ah. Good.
Then you get to collect all the cash.
Oh, my pleasure, sir. Lovely seven and three-quarters.
- Donations are greatly appreciated. - Dad, Dad, I plead with you.
Don't do this. That cap is filthy. You don't know where it's been.
Besides, the money you're taking from these guys, I'm sure...
Son, now, please, son, please.
Now, that's a criminal over there with a gun,
and the surgeon general has determined
bullets can be hazardous to your health. Now, please.
I'm not Superman... Thank you very much.
- And even if I was, I wouldn't want to see you or these people hurt.
Now, son, please, please. I'm not a coward.
Hey! Who said you could move?
He was just helping me, that's all.
Shut up! I told you, empty the pockets.
All I have is a frog in my right pocket.
Please, he's telling you the truth, Charlie. Oh, I'm a nonviolent person.
Here, take your money and go. Leave us all alone.
Hey, I happen to be a violent person, so shut up.
- I told you, empty the pockets. - Hey. Stop that. I'm warning you.
I want those pockets turned inside out. What have you got to hide?
- Ow! - Nobody, nobody, hurts my family.
What's doing this?
What the hell is going on here?
Daddy, what happened?
I don't know, son.
We'll just hope it never happens again.
Come on, you're safe now. Let's go home.
You know something?
They said Chicago was the Windy City.
Then the newspaper reported that a freak tornado
touched down in a small bar.
It was really scary, Mind.
I mean, I didn't know I had that kind of rage inside of me.
I'm afraid of what'll happen the next time I open a pistachio and there's no nut.
Well, Mork, you were protecting Mearth.
But I only wanted his respect and put him in a dangerous situation.
I know. You did take it too far,
but it's normal to want respect from Mearth.
Daddy, I have so much respect for you.
Oh, Mearth. Mearth, I missed you. I was gone for two days.
You, I know, I know, I know.
Gosh, you know, while you were gone,
- how brave Daddy was. - I heard.
He took a gun away from a criminal. He did, he did.
And he didn't even muss his hair during the tornado.
Well, I guess I owe it all to Ann Miller's hair spray.
Daddy, you're so great.
See, Mork? You've been searching for something you had all along.
- You really mean it, son? - Of course I do.
You're everything to me.
I mean, you play with me, you read to me, we watch TV together.
We're together all day long.
Oh. Mearth, I mean, what about Superman?
He's a joke.
He doesn't mean anything to me.
He's a fake. He's fictitious.
Mearth, why don't you tell Daddy who your new hero is?
Oh, come on, Mind, he doesn't have to, really.
I will. It's the governor.
I got that from you, Dad. That's your sense of humor.
Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson. Come in...
Hola.
Oh, excuse me, Ola.
I must have the wrong mind.
I'm looking for Orson.
Orson no in casa. This is his housekeeper, Keezbalita.
Keezbalita, could you turn off the vacuum?
Oh, thank you. That's much better. But where's Orson?
He's no in casa.
Well, I have a report for him, Keezbalita.
I can take a message.
Well, will you tell him, please, that Mork called,
and that this week I learned
that fathers put too much pressure on themselves
to be the apple of their child's eye?
They should be concentrating on being loved for what they are,
not what they think that they should be.
- Did you get that? - You bet.
I tell Orson Monty called. Na-no.
I work five hours on a report,
and somebody named Monty gets all the credit.
Well, patience, patience.
Ripped By mstoll